I have a question for you, “Are you feeling trapped by the need for approval?”

If so, I want you to learn how approval addiction can harden your heart and drain spiritual leadership. The good news is you can overcome the need for approval by receiving acceptance from Father God and learning to lead from a place of freedom that He has provided for you. Oftentimes, approval addiction develops out of an internal need for affirmation. It seems that many of us are in the ministry because we see it as a place to gain approval from others.

When I was pastoring a small church, I often felt successful when an action I had taken received the approval of others. On the other hand, when I failed to reach a goal, it most certainly meant that the lack of approval would create a state of panic within me. I became so dependent on people’s approval that their disapproval derailed my leadership and stole my joy.

I have learned through the years that my need for approval from others actually came from a lack of approval from my father. Our relationship wasn’t filled with a lot of negative experiences. We honestly got along with each other most of the time. However, I began to realize a few years ago how much the lack of verbal affirmation affected my life.

I knew my father loved me and was proud of me. In fact, he often bragged on me to others. I was always amazed at the number of people who would tell me of the positive things he’d say about me. I just couldn’t understand why he never told me personally how he felt.

1. Why does a “father wound” often drive the need for affirmation and recognition?

My friend Dan Lian and I discussed this topic one morning over coffee. “I think it’s fair to say that many of us from all walks of life suffer from some form of a father wound,” Dan observed. “In reality, all of us probably have a father wound that we either have worked through or are working through. This wound tends to drive us to find approval so we can finally receive recognition for what we have accomplished.”

Dan went on to say, “However, ministry was never meant to be a journey to find approval. It’s actually meant to be spent showing others what it means to be approved. Ministry becomes an idol when its main objective in our hearts is to fulfill our need for approval.”

Dan and I agreed that this insatiable desire for approval isn’t limited to the small-church pastor. The driving force behind the success and then ultimate failure of many larger-ministry leaders may be the same desire for approval. When allowed to flourish in our hearts, the need for approval affects us in much the same way as a drug. Our highs and lows directly correlate to whether we are able to satisfy the desire for approval. It’s possible to become an approval junkie.

2. How can the need for approval harden the heart and dull sensitivity to the Holy Spirit?

Left unchecked, our need for approval can soon become an addiction. Denying that approval addiction has control of you will lead to a dark place that is increasingly difficult to come back from. It has nothing to do with whether you love God or not. It’s all about whether the need for approval has taken control of your life. It eventually progresses into an idol when it’s allowed to gain a stronghold in your heart.

Approval addiction can manifest itself in many ways. But no matter how it surfaces, it always reveals a level of insecurity. A need for affirmation and a resistance to accountability are often found at the core of approval addiction.

You might wonder what deficiency this behavior is exposing. And specifically, as pastors and other spiritual leaders, what void are we trying to fill with this addiction to approval? My answer may surprise you. Simply put, in so many cases, we have never been able to receive approval and acceptance from Father God.

I’m not referring to your theology, doctrine, or training. I’m sure you do a masterful job of teaching how human beings can be in right standing with God because of the sacrifice of Jesus. Therefore, this thought isn’t intended to challenge your understanding of His Word. It’s designed to challenge your understanding of His heart toward you.

What I’m referring to is learning how to live the abundant life that Jesus promised us (John 10:10). Many pastors have spent years teaching the principle of the abundant life. However, we also have succumbed to a belief that there must be more we should be doing as pastors. This can cause us to reason that He really had hoped to get more out of us during our short time here on earth. As I revealed in earlier posts, I spent the majority of my life thinking that Jesus was disappointed with me because of my less than stellar performance.

The emptiness we feel causes our need for approval to escalate into overdrive. The intense effort we put into arriving there is futile. It’s as if we’re running with all our might on a treadmill we can’t get off. No matter how hard we try, we just can’t seem to get there. Failing to get off the treadmill will eventually cause us to crash. At this point, it’s even possible to fall into doing things we never dreamed we would do.

This is how we begin to spiral out of control. It usually starts with sensing conviction but ignoring it. The Holy Spirit begins calling you out for something that is developing within you. But if you aren’t careful, you can develop a habit of ignoring His leading over time. It’s much easier to ignore the promptings of the Holy Spirit if you have continually built up a resistance to them. The unavoidable result of acting in this fashion is a hardened heart.

It’s difficult to comprehend how a spiritual leader who has experienced great success in serving Jesus could suddenly get disconnected from the Holy Spirit’s leading. The mistake is in thinking it happens suddenly, which is never the case. It happens progressively — even to the point that you don’t know when your heart became hardened. Therefore, it is possible for God to remove His anointing from your ministry and for you to continue without even knowing it.

3. What can we learn from Samson about drifting from purpose over time?

This is exactly what happened to Samson as he moved further and further from his purpose. He continued flirting with disaster until it caught him. After revealing to Delilah the source of his strength, he rose up to attack the Philistines as he had before, unaware that his anointing had left him.

“She said, ‘The Philistines are upon you, Samson!’ So he awoke from his sleep, and said, ‘I will go out as before, at other times, and shake myself free!’ But he did not know that the LORD had departed from him” (Judges 16:20 NKJV).

So he awoke from his sleep, and said, ‘I will go out as before, at other times, and shake myself free!’ But he did not know that the LORD had departed from him.

I’m sure you know how Samson’s story ends. His eyes were gouged out, and he became a slave who was forced to do hard labor. God did eventually restore his strength and anointing. However, the progressive nature of becoming hard-hearted ultimately contributed to his death.

I can think of nothing worse than having the Lord depart from you without you knowing it. This is the sad consequence of developing a hard heart through approval addiction.

In my conversation with Dan, he went on to say, “Any pastor who becomes addicted to the approval of people will eventually be slaughtered by their disapproval.” In other words, if we don’t deal with our need for approval, our negligence can lead to the end of our ministries. It may even bring the end to our marriages or other key relationships.

4. What practical steps help a leader break free from approval addiction and lead with health?

The bottom line is that a need for approval is a valid need. It’s when we let it consume and control us that life can spin out of control. Consider that your need for approval is also a need for acceptance. If we don’t feel accepted by the people we love and serve, how can we have that need met without destroying ourselves?

1. Name the pattern honestly. Call it what it is: when your “highs and lows” rise and fall with people’s reactions, approval has become a functional drug and not just encouragement.
2. Trace the root, not just the symptoms. Many of us struggle with a “father wound” and unmet need for acceptance. Ask: What am I trying to get from people that I have not received (or believed) from Father God?
3. Re-center your identity on God’s acceptance. The turning point is learning to receive approval and acceptance from Father God, not just teaching the doctrine of it. Build rhythms that move that truth from your head to your heart:
   • daily prayer that specifically receives God’s delight
   • scriptures like John 10:10 revisited as a promise for you, not just for sermons
4. Stop turning ministry into an idol. Ministry becomes an idol when the main objective is to fulfill your need for approval. A practical step is to regularly ask:“If nobody noticed this, would I still do it?”If the answer is no, that is a warning light.
5. Treat early conviction as a gift, not an interruption. The spiral starts when conviction is ignored. Practice “fast obedience” when the Holy Spirit puts a finger on something:
   • make the apology
   • take the rest day
   • cancel the extra thing
   • tell the truth to a trusted person
6. Build accountability you cannot talk your way out of. Approval addiction often comes with “a resistance to accountability.” Choose 1–2 people who can ask direct questions about motives, ego, and emotional reactivity, not just behavior.
7. Watch for progressive drift and take course-corrections early. The Samson warning is that decline is usually gradual, and leaders can keep “going out as before” without noticing what has changed. Practical guardrails:
   • do a monthly “drift check” on your soul, marriage, and integrity
   • notice secretiveness, defensiveness, and numbness as signals, not personality quirks
8. Detach your emotional state from public outcomes. Since approval addiction makes leaders reaction-driven, create a “non-reactive” practice:
   • wait 24 hours before responding to criticism when possible
   • debrief criticism with a wise voice, not with social media or staff venting
   • refuse to “medicate” pain with productivity

 

What are you doing that is working well? What is not going so well? Let’s connect and have a conversation about it. At 95Network, we are here to support and serve you in anyway we can. If you feel like you’re in a season where your stalled out and can see the way forward then please reach out to me at [email protected]