My friend Sam invited me to join him on a guided fishing trip for striped bass on Lake Cumberland in Kentucky. His uncle, who is known as a top-notch guide, would serve as our host. It didn’t take much time at all to see that Sam’s uncle was excellent at locating the fish. He knew exactly where to go and how to set up in order for us to have a successful outing. His reputation was spot-on.

I hadn’t met our guide before our trip, but Sam shared some insight as to how his uncle is wired. He is an ex-military man who went on several tours of duty including tours in Vietnam and Iraq. Being a child of the sixties contributed to his straightforward personality. I learned within a few minutes of meeting him that I need not ask him what he thinks if I really don’t want to know the answer. I made every effort just to lie low and keep my opinions to myself.

In all honesty, I didn’t want to go on the trip. It wasn’t that I didn’t want the time with my friend. I enjoy his conversation and company. It certainly wasn’t that I do not enjoy fishing. Everyone who knows me understands that isn’t the case at all. I love to fish—at least when they are biting. But I did have a great deal of work to get done and some tight deadlines to meet.

The real reason I didn’t want to go was that we had to drive six hours to get there. Then, after getting up at four o’clock the next morning and fishing until noon, we were going to load up and head right back home. I don’t really enjoy long road trips anymore. Regardless of my reason for not wanting to go, I did join Sam on the trip.

On a guided fishing trip, the guide does everything for you. He provides everything you need, from fishing tackle to bait to the meals you eat. He puts the bait on your hook and lowers the line into the water for you. He even sets it to the proper depth. All you actually do is reel the fish in once it has hooked itself. Even after you land the fish in the boat, the guide takes the fish off your hook, rebaits it, and puts the line back in the water so you can catch another. When our trip was complete, our guide even cleaned our fish for us. It’s the best way in the world to fish.

A guided experience usually includes a short instructional speech that contains a few essentials for a day of fishing. Our speech included the following instructions:

1. Once the fish is hooked, let the rod bend continuously before you start reeling.

2. Make sure you start reeling before taking the rod out of the rod holder.

3. Place your left hand on the grip above the reel when you take the rod out of its holder.

4. Place the butt of the rod below your belt.

5. Point your rod tip up in the air at the eleven o’clock position.

6. Most important, keep reeling in the line at all times. You must not stop. (Stopping almost guarantees that a hooked fish will escape.)

Simple instructions. Right? I thought I shouldn’t have a problem with this. After all, I’m a good listener. Six things to remember. No big deal. So now, bring on the fish.

Just let me say, these six instructions are much easier to follow when you aren’t catching fish. As you can probably imagine, as soon as the first fish was on the line, I forgot everything our guide said. The rush of hooking up a running striper will cause you to panic. Which is exactly what I did.

I had a really large fish on my hook but lost him because I stopped reeling for a split second, which was long enough for him to spit the hook out. Boy, did I get an earful from the guide. But eventually I got the process down and landed several really nice fish. Until …

As you can probably imagine, as soon as the first fish was on the line, I forgot everything our guide said.

The fishing action slowed to a crawl for about an hour when all of a sudden—bam!—my rod tip bent toward the water, and everyone could tell I had a big one on the line. So I followed the process … I reeled as fast as I could with all my might. By now, after catching several other fish, my muscles were sore and I was fatigued. Suddenly a ten-pound monster broke the surface about twenty yards from our boat.

That’s when the intensity went into warp speed. Everyone was excited, shifting positions, and yelling. I was trying my absolute best to land the fish that I could now see. My arm and shoulder were killing me along with my stomach, where I had wrongly placed the butt of the rod. It was almost impossible for me to wind the reel because of the pressure that big fish created. Meanwhile, our guide continued to yell at me to keep reeling.

In an effort to keep me from losing the awesome catch, he soon moved into a level of encouragement that I hadn’t experienced since high school football. He was trying to motivate me to keep reeling. I was already pouring everything I had into it. Truthfully, my strength was so zapped at that point that I began questioning whether I had what it would take to land that fish.

Then, out of nowhere, it happened. At the precise moment I was questioning my strength, a voice erupted from the depths of my soul. Dude, you are such a big loser. I can’t believe you’re performing so poorly. Anybody could land this fish. C’mon, Dale. I began to feel emotions I hadn’t experienced in decades.

The guide’s efforts at encouragement had inadvertently caused me to start thinking I was a worthless piece of nothing. I felt so defeated that I visualized myself as that seven-year-old kid again—the one who couldn’t do anything right. I kept wondering as I fought the fish, Why is this happening in me?

The good news in that moment was that I landed the big fish. My friend and the guide were really happy for me. They were completely unaware that I wanted to get off the boat and run far away. You see, in that moment of intense battle, the words of an authority figure I respected caused feelings of inferiority from the past to resurface in my mind and nearly destroyed me. At that point, fishing was no longer fun because I felt like a loser. My physical struggle to land that fish unlocked some powerful internal pain. I’ll never forget how worthless I felt because I struggled in my performance. Those words cut me to the core.

WORDS SAID OVER US, TO US, OR ABOUT US—WHETHER INTENTIONAL OR CASUAL—CAN CRIPPLE OUR ABILITY TO LEAD.

I hadn’t experienced feelings like that in many, many years. However, as I thought through what happened in me, I realized that Jesus wanted me to go through this experience in order to relate to many of you who are dealing with a similar issue. Instead of dealing with a lack of affirmation, you may be dealing with the consequences of the negative things that have been deposited in the depths of your soul through discouraging words. The Lord took me out of my normal routine and allowed me to experience the pain that many of you live with every day. He allowed me to lose the joy of fishing for a few moments to help me understand why you have lost the joy of being a fisher of people, as Jesus called you to be.

For many of us, our issue isn’t that we haven’t received enough affirming words. The opposite is true. We have to fight to overcome a lifetime of negative words spoken over us, to us, and about us. Instead of seeking a fill-up, we try to empty our emotional tanks. The Bible teaches that the impact of spoken words actually becomes a part of our lives: “The words of a gossip are like choice morsels; they go down to the inmost parts” (Prov. 18:8 NIV). This is true whether the words are positive or negative. You and I are products of what has been spoken over us throughout our lifetimes. We embody those words in some fashion.

My encounter with damaging words came without warning on that fishing boat. I was caught completely off guard with what I felt about myself in that moment. It was like a dam that had been holding back a torrent of emotion for years finally broke.

Friend, if your past includes years of ridicule, discouraging comments, and being told you aren’t good enough, I can certainly understand why you thought you’d be there by now. Even as I write this, my eyes are filled with tears and my heart breaks for you. How can you ever have joy in the journey when the authority figures in your life have spoken so much pain into your soul?

Perhaps the words spoken into your soul continue speaking to you today. The fact is that your father, mother, coach, teacher, boss, pastor, or other authority figure thought he or she was helping you reach your potential. He thought he was making you a better person. She was probably just doing to you what had been done to her. Whatever the reasoning of those people, they most likely have no idea the effect their words had on you.

Perhaps the words spoken into your soul continue speaking to you today.

Words said over us, to us, or about us—whether intentional or casual—can cripple our ability to lead. Once a difficult situation challenges our ability to perform, those feelings that accompanied earlier harsh comments surface. It is only natural to want to empty the negative reserves you have accumulated in your emotional tank. Why wouldn’t you want those things out of your soul?

Next Steps:

Spend some time working through the following questions and answers. Allow the Holy Spirt to bring to the surface any experiences from the past that may still be affecting you today.

1. How do negative words affect leadership confidence? Negative words rarely stay in the past. They become a soundtrack that plays when pressure rises, and suddenly you’re not just leading a moment. You’re fighting an old message about your worth. That kind of inner narrative quietly drains courage, makes you second-guess decisions, and can push you into either over-performing or pulling back. The first step forward is simple but powerful: name the words you’ve believed, and refuse to let them keep defining how you lead today.
2. Why do old wounds resurface when pressure is high? Pressure has a way of reopening files you forgot were still on your hard drive. When stress, fatigue, or evaluation hits, your mind often reaches back to earlier moments that felt the same. Old shame doesn’t need much of an invitation. It shows up fast, loud, and convincing. In those moments, it helps to remember this: the intensity you feel is often about then, not just about now. You can acknowledge what’s being triggered without surrendering your leadership to it.
3. What’s the difference between coaching and harmful criticism? Coaching aims at growth. Harmful criticism aims at identity. Coaching is clear, specific, and respectful. It tells you what to adjust and gives you a path forward. Harmful criticism uses shame, labels, sarcasm, or sweeping statements that make you feel small and stuck. A helpful question to ask is, “Is this feedback giving me a next step, or is it giving me a verdict?” Great leaders learn to receive coaching without absorbing condemnation.
4. How can leaders identify the “shame voice” in their inner dialogue? The shame voice is usually absolute and personal. It doesn’t say, “That didn’t go well.” It says, “You’re a failure.” It uses words like always and never. It spirals quickly. It doesn’t correct. It crushes. One of the most freeing skills a leader can develop is to label that voice for what it is and separate it from truth. When you can say, “That’s shame talking,” you create space to choose a healthier, steadier response.
5. What does the Bible say about the lasting impact of words? Scripture treats words as weighty because they are. Words don’t just bounce off the surface of our lives. They sink in. They shape what we believe about ourselves, about God, and about what’s possible. Proverbs is right: words can go “to the inmost parts.” The good news is that God doesn’t only warn us about damaging words. God also restores us through truth, identity, and life-giving speech. Part of spiritual growth is learning to agree with what God says over you more than what others have said to you.
6. How can pastors and leaders heal from discouraging words spoken by authority figures? Healing starts when you stop minimizing what happened. Words from authority figures can land like a brand, especially when you’re young, vulnerable, or trying to prove yourself. You may have carried those labels for years without realizing how much they’ve shaped your leadership. Healing often involves naming the wound, grieving what it cost you, and inviting God and trusted people into the process of rebuilding what was damaged. You’re not being “too sensitive.” You’re being honest, and honesty is where freedom begins.
7. What practical steps help leaders replace negative self-talk with truth? You can’t just delete negative self-talk. You have to replace it. That means trading vague positivity for specific truth you can actually stand on when you’re tired or under fire. The goal is not to pretend everything is fine. The goal is to lead yourself well in the moment. A strong replacement statement sounds like this: “I’m under pressure, but I’m steady. I can learn. I can take the next right step.” Over time, the inner script changes, not because you tried harder, but because you practiced truth more consistently.
8. How do you lead well when you feel emotionally triggered or depleted? Triggered leadership becomes reactive leadership fast. When you’re depleted, your patience shortens, your perspective narrows, and your old wounds speak louder. Leading well in that state begins with slowing down enough to respond instead of react. Sometimes the most faithful leadership move is a pause, a breath, a short prayer, and one clear next step. If depletion is constant, it is not a badge of honor. It is a warning light. Healthy leaders take that seriously and rebuild margin before burnout makes the decision for them.

Here’s a great conversation that I recently had with Bob Hamp on the 95Podcast that will be especially helpful in dealing with this topic: Decoding Identity (w/ Bob Hamp) – Bonus Episode

What are you doing that is working well? What is not going so well? Let’s connect and have a conversation about it. At 95Network, we are here to support and serve you in anyway we can. If you feel like you’re in a season where your stalled out and can see the way forward then please reach out to me at [email protected]