By Dale Sellers

Have you ever thought, “Why do I always assume it’s my fault?” Do you automatically assume you’re to blame when something goes wrong in ministry, your marriage, or your finances?

Do you ever hit a stressful moment in ministry, a relationship, or your finances and immediately think, What did I do wrong? That question shows up for a lot of leaders.  Let’s look at why this happens and learn how to find a healthier way forward.

Here’s a crucial distinction that I learned from my friend and counselor Bob Hamp of Think Differently Academy: there is a difference between fault and responsibility. Fault is the voice that says you are bad, you have ruined everything, and there is no way out. It leads to shame and paralysis. Responsibility, on the other hand, points to what you actually have power over. When you know what you are responsible for, you can change what needs to change without carrying what was never yours to carry.

One reason this pattern runs so deep is that many of us learned it early. Family systems often train a child to manage emotions, keep the peace, or “fix” what is broken. Over time, that responsibility can become identity. Then, years later, a delayed donation, a tense conversation, or a ministry setback doesn’t just feel like a problem to solve. It feels like proof that you failed.

The good news is there is a way out, and it is not more striving. Bob challenged me to look at the way I was raised/discipled as a child. What I caught was: Information plus Willpower produces Transformation. However, that system was severely flawed. Freedom grows when we learn to live from a different source, including building a real, conversational relationship with God and letting truth reshape what we believe about ourselves.

If “it must be my fault” is your default setting, you are not alone. You are also not stuck. Freedom starts when you begin to ask better questions: What am I actually responsible for? What am I not responsible for? And what does God say is true right here?

Probing Questions & Next Steps To Wholeness:

1. Why do so many leaders default to “What did I do wrong?”

Answer: Because many leaders have been formed (often early) to believe their value comes from keeping things stable, keeping people happy, and preventing loss. When something goes wrong, their nervous system reaches for the fastest explanation it knows: It must be me. It feels like “responsibility,” but it is often shame + over-responsibility in disguise.

Next steps:

• Name the pattern in the moment: “I’m in fault-thinking, not responsibility-thinking.”
• Ask: “What evidence do I have that this is actually about me?” and “What else could be true?”
• Replace the reflex-question with: “What’s mine to own here, and what’s not?”

2. What’s the difference between fault and responsibility and why does it matter?

Answer:

• Fault says: “You are bad. You ruined it. You deserve punishment.” It produces shame and powerlessness.
• Responsibility says: “Here is what you have influence over.” It produces clarity and change.

It matters because fault traps you in self-attack, while responsibility shows you a path forward without carrying what isn’t yours.

Next steps:

• Write two columns: “My responsibility” vs “Not mine” for the situation you are anxious about.
• Take one small action only from the “My responsibility” column within 24 hours.
• Refuse to problem-solve items in the “Not mine” column.

3. How do family-of-origin patterns train us to carry responsibility that isn’t ours?

Answer: In many families, kids learn to manage the emotional weather of the home. A child may become the fixer, peacemaker, or “little adult.” That training becomes automatic: If people are upset, I must do something. Over time, boundaries blur and responsibility becomes identity.

Next steps:

• Ask: “What role did I play in my home: fixer, peacekeeper, achiever, rescuer, invisible one?”
• Identify one repeated script: “When conflict happens, I .”
• Practice a boundary sentence this week: “I care, but I can’t carry that.”

4. Why does “I’m responsible for everyone’s spiritual growth” lead to burnout and control?

Answer: Because it makes you attempt what you cannot do: make people choose maturity. When a leader believes outcomes depend on them, they will eventually use fear, pressure, or control to protect the system. That drains joy, creates dependency, and keeps people less mature than they could be.

Next steps:

• Redefine the win: faithfulness over outcomes and invitation over control.
• Clarify your lane: “I’m responsible to love, teach, model, and invite. I’m not responsible to force.”
• Audit your leadership: Where are you motivating mainly with fear of loss, guilt, or image?

5. Why doesn’t information-based discipleship produce lasting transformation?

Answer: Because information can educate the mind without rewiring the heart, body, and patterns of response. Many struggles are not a knowledge problem, but a formation problem. When the nervous system is trained by fear, shame, or trauma, more facts rarely change the reflexes.

Next steps:

• Pair teaching with practice: reflection, prayerful listening, community honesty, and embodied habits.
• Measure fruit, not content consumed: freedom, love, joy, peace, patience, and integrity.
• Slow down: build repeated rhythms, not one-time “downloads.”

6. What does it mean to “renew your mind” beyond just thinking better thoughts?

Answer: It is not simply swapping a negative thought for a positive one. It is learning a new way of seeing reality and God, so your default reactions change. It is closer to repentance as “thinking differently,” where your internal process shifts from self-effort and shame to trust, surrender, and truth.

Next steps:

• When triggered, pause and ask: “What story am I telling myself right now?”
• Ask: “What is the lie underneath this?” then “What is the truth God is saying?”
• Repeat the truth out loud daily for 2–4 weeks. Renewal is often repetition, not a moment.

7. What’s a first practical step to move toward freedom when you feel trapped in shame?

Answer: Start by moving from hiding and self-accusation into truth and connection. Shame grows in isolation. Freedom grows when you bring the burden into the light and learn to hear God’s voice about it.

Next steps (simple starter plan):

• Step 1 (2 minutes): Put words to it: “I feel shame about .”
• Step 2: Ask God: “What do you want me to know right now?” and write what comes.
• Step 3: Share the struggle with one safe person (not ten people): “I’m stuck in shame, I need prayer and perspective.”
• Step 4: Do one responsible action (small, concrete) and stop there for today.

A lot of leaders confuse fault with responsibility. Fault produces shame and control. Responsibility produces clarity and freedom. The path forward is boundaries, a renewed mind, and learning to live from God as the source instead of from fear-driven self-effort.

What are you doing that is working well? What is not going so well? Let’s connect and have a conversation about it. At 95Network, we are here to support and serve you in anyway we can. If you feel like you’re in a season where your stalled out and can see the way forward then please reach out to me at [email protected]

• Website: 95Network.org
• 95Network – Soul Care Essentials
• 95Network – Healthy Church Assessment
• Read Stalled: Hope and Help for Pastors Who Thought They’d Be There By Now

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